Orlando Bloom looks like a rat terrier.

Add some Venetian blinds and you've got a Ridley Scott film.

I am many things. Daughter, sister, lover, friend, state employee and most of all: FILM GEEK EXTRODINAIRE! I've taken filmic elitism to new heights. I can recite every one of Chaplin's films, in filming order with sidenotes on co-stars, production companies and unit directors thrown in for shits and giggles. I have a twenty-minute rant about Quentin Tarantino which includes so much profanity that it makes his films look g-rated. I proudly (and loudly) denounce Steven Spielberg for the Kubrick copying hackneyed schmuck he is... I love movies and I'm sick of the crap they constantly thrust upon us.

Hollywood's complaining that they've been losing money for a few years now. They claim that it's because of Tivo, Digital cable, satellite, the internet etc. etc. Gee, did they never stop to think that maybe we just don't want to pay $10 to see 40 minutes of commercials and a really crappy movie?

I went and saw "Serenity" because I love science fiction (I wish I had a spaceship). It was complete and utter drivel. Here's my brief comment on it from IMDB:

"A legion of obsessed fans have given this movie a high rating and a (hopefully brief) place on the top 200 list. The honest truth is that this movie was, at best, mediocre. Joss Whedon, who generally has a flare for clever dialogue and interesting characters, fell flat on his face with "Serenity".Perhaps part of the problem is that I was not a Firefly fan. Maybe for consistent viewers of the show the characters were well-rounded and deep. Unfortunately, for the non-Firefly viewers the characters were incredibly thin and boring. They were like ink sketches of people, with no depth and no real traits. The ships' captain is painted as a "hard" man (a very John Wayne a la The Cowboys or The Searchers type character) who only looks out for himself and those few he has chosen as crew. And just to drive this point home, he is called Mal, and we're all aware of what that means in Latin I'm sure. Mal is narcissism at it's worst. And his "change" from self-centered, looking out for number one guy to righteous sword of justice and freedom is completely implausible.The other characters, all with cute names like Zoe, Kaylie, River and, my favorite ham-handed choice, strong guy Jane are just as thin and cartoony as Mal. It's hard to care about any of them because they're such generic "shoot 'em up" characters.Obviously the pairing of westerns and science fiction has a long tradition. Star Wars, Heinlein, hell, even the Last Starfighter... Whedon though takes it to an extreme here. It comes off as silly, overwrought and even garish. Characters say ridiculous things which are meant to have a "cowboy" feel. These lines seemed forced and far too obvious. They bog down and stilt an already weak and muddled script. There is also a pervasive "mystic" feel that's hackneyed and overused in this type of film.Perhaps the best overall description is that this film is simply rather juvenile. It's something for teenagers and those with a less mature taste. It seems half-baked. A decent idea never brought to fruition.Basically, if you're a giant sci-fi fan wait for video, it's worth a rental for a few decent space scenes. If you're not a sci-fi junkie, don't bother. Or better yet, rent the Farscape series, especially the two part mini-series, The Peacekeeper Wars. It's vastly superior to Serenity. "

So Serenity was pretty much a waste of money. So I went and saw Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride" a few days later to try and rectify the searing eye damage done by the travesty "Serenity". And "Corpse Bride" was good, well, better than "Serenity" anyway. But it was just a rehash of Burton's earlier films and "The Nightmare Before Christmas". Clever dialogue, a cute story and lots of singing... not his most creative work. Oh, and Tim, you might consider some counseling for that weird death fetish you've got... I swear, he's getting as bad as Tarantino and the toes.

So, disappointed yet again, I headed down to the Nickelodeon, our local art house theater to see a flick called "Heights". It had gotten great reviews and good press. I was excited... I was hopeful... I was pissed off by the time we left. As David said, "Rachel, you didn't tell me this was going to be a movie about gay cowboys eating pudding." "Heights" was, at best self-indulgent, ennui drenched masturbation. Pretension in it's worst form. A "little" film about poor angst ridden, sexually confused Manhattanites with good jobs and famous friends. Yeah, you guys have it so tough... plenty of money, pretty face, famous relatives, stilted dialogue... And you know what else is annoying? When characters in a movie like "Heights" have a conversation about what is "real". I can tell you one thing that's not real... this movie. And on top of that the Nickelodeon has the most uncomfortable seats on the planet. So not only was I sour from seeing a stupid movie, but my back was killing.

And finally, to top off a string of terrible films, we have Ridley Scott's "Kingdom of Heaven". Oh boy... I don't even really need to discuss this one. It was "Black Hawk Down" with catapults instead of rocket launchers. A mauldlin, laborious, clunky bit of pseudo-history with plenty of Ridley Scott "Smoke & Mirrors" moments. Will someone please explain to this joker that you don't need a shot of light streaming through shutters while smoke wafts past in every movie? And while you're at it... someone should really tell him that you have to actually develop a character if you want people to give a flying fuck when they die.

So, in summation, WILL-SOMEBODY-PLEASE-MAKE-A-DECENT-MOVIE! I'm going to watch "Me, You and Everyone We Know" tonight. And I swear to God if it's sucks I'm never going to watch another film made after 1975 again.